You are a wonderful writer. I really appreciate that you’re sharing your experiences and I’m sure many many others do too. I’m a parent of a 12yo grappling with this stuff and so I’m reading everything I can get my eyeballs on and saving for future reference if needed. Yours is a truly sensitive and intelligent addition to those resources. I can’t thank you enough. The more detransioners speak up and publish online, the more content there is to challenge the gender ideology and help people question their true motives.
Thanks for writing this. I've been up all night and it's 2 pm now because I've just been restless; I really needed this.
I struggle with self disclosure though I feel like I have so much to say. I really appreciate the strength it took for you to put this all together, write about it, and share it. I think this piece is necessary, it fills a void you and I and many others have been feeling. I think you know that. So thanks for sharing.
I began socially transitioning in middle school, only to revert back come high school when I moved in with a family member who wasn't entirely supportive of it. Kind of went really feminine to compensate, or I just explored that part of myself. Come college moving out I reverted yet again to a more androgynous style. Despite the feminine "phase" post-desisting, I feel sometimes like I never really re-learned how to be a woman. It sounds silly, but sometimes I feel like I'm transitioning into a woman. I'm fine with being a woman and know I don't fit as a man either. I think I just don't fit classical gender role expectations of women, I'm not really sure. I've been bisexual ever since I could remember and sometimes I wonder how much sexuality plays into that.
In any case, thanks again for sharing. I needed this right now, and a lot of what you shared resonates with me, even though I never got top surgery.
The type of grief arc you describe is so similar to the loss of my son to suicide it is amazing. You write very well and very astutely, void of any intention to persuade anyone, of ideology or assign human emotion. Another similarity I found is your disappointment in professionals:
“Don’t go to a super-ideological gender therapist if you’re going to get therapy to deal with surgery regret. They might be confused and threatened by your experiences. It’s really aggravating having a therapist use your time to suggest you are on a “gender journey” “
I went in earlier grief to a support group. In looking for such a group I tried to contact one that specialized in “suicidology,“ and not only was it very expensive but it felt clinical and theoretical. The best, most validating and wonderful support I have received has been from other parents, and loved ones who lost someone to suicide. They actually walk the path and fully relate. The leader of the group, an actual psychotherapist, also lost her partner to suicide. It is a delicate balance that you find your footing and process your feelings in a way that remains true to yourself, after having entrusted yourself to professionals in the first place.
Curious what made you think being a man was any better? Is it all internet fluff? In most cases its far worse. I have yet to meet a FtM person without loads of issues and Ive even met someone 40 years pretending to be male and still insecure about it. Obviously women are stronger than men, they deal with more, and a world with only women would be more functional than one with only men. Hope you're able to get some kind of good reconstruction and sorry you got lured into the fallacy that you could be a man, because FtM are not men.
"My friend, woman who said 'trans mass is the new butch/stud but with more drugs and self harm. Yay!' helped me write this. But I'm not transphobic at all, trust me."
You are a wonderful writer. I really appreciate that you’re sharing your experiences and I’m sure many many others do too. I’m a parent of a 12yo grappling with this stuff and so I’m reading everything I can get my eyeballs on and saving for future reference if needed. Yours is a truly sensitive and intelligent addition to those resources. I can’t thank you enough. The more detransioners speak up and publish online, the more content there is to challenge the gender ideology and help people question their true motives.
Thank you so much for writing this! You are a talented writer and a kind and generous person. Wishing you happiness.
This is a really lovely essay - thanks for writing it! I know it's going to help people.
Thanks for writing this. I've been up all night and it's 2 pm now because I've just been restless; I really needed this.
I struggle with self disclosure though I feel like I have so much to say. I really appreciate the strength it took for you to put this all together, write about it, and share it. I think this piece is necessary, it fills a void you and I and many others have been feeling. I think you know that. So thanks for sharing.
I began socially transitioning in middle school, only to revert back come high school when I moved in with a family member who wasn't entirely supportive of it. Kind of went really feminine to compensate, or I just explored that part of myself. Come college moving out I reverted yet again to a more androgynous style. Despite the feminine "phase" post-desisting, I feel sometimes like I never really re-learned how to be a woman. It sounds silly, but sometimes I feel like I'm transitioning into a woman. I'm fine with being a woman and know I don't fit as a man either. I think I just don't fit classical gender role expectations of women, I'm not really sure. I've been bisexual ever since I could remember and sometimes I wonder how much sexuality plays into that.
In any case, thanks again for sharing. I needed this right now, and a lot of what you shared resonates with me, even though I never got top surgery.
The type of grief arc you describe is so similar to the loss of my son to suicide it is amazing. You write very well and very astutely, void of any intention to persuade anyone, of ideology or assign human emotion. Another similarity I found is your disappointment in professionals:
“Don’t go to a super-ideological gender therapist if you’re going to get therapy to deal with surgery regret. They might be confused and threatened by your experiences. It’s really aggravating having a therapist use your time to suggest you are on a “gender journey” “
I went in earlier grief to a support group. In looking for such a group I tried to contact one that specialized in “suicidology,“ and not only was it very expensive but it felt clinical and theoretical. The best, most validating and wonderful support I have received has been from other parents, and loved ones who lost someone to suicide. They actually walk the path and fully relate. The leader of the group, an actual psychotherapist, also lost her partner to suicide. It is a delicate balance that you find your footing and process your feelings in a way that remains true to yourself, after having entrusted yourself to professionals in the first place.
Curious what made you think being a man was any better? Is it all internet fluff? In most cases its far worse. I have yet to meet a FtM person without loads of issues and Ive even met someone 40 years pretending to be male and still insecure about it. Obviously women are stronger than men, they deal with more, and a world with only women would be more functional than one with only men. Hope you're able to get some kind of good reconstruction and sorry you got lured into the fallacy that you could be a man, because FtM are not men.
"My friend, woman who said 'trans mass is the new butch/stud but with more drugs and self harm. Yay!' helped me write this. But I'm not transphobic at all, trust me."