impressive. the anime waif ideal (male or female--- the heroin chic fashion mag brigade of 15 years ago). the overlap with pro-ana culture, it's all right there but it takes someone to notice it and you did. so much of it comes down to rejection of adulthood...adult bodies, responsibilities, compromises. Body schizophrenia. Puberty blockers as a stop-time machine and anti-time machine. And yeah you can make compelling art out of those ideas. your own body as the canvas is the new thing. the overlap between artistic, avant garde body mod and trans isn't mentioned enough. Radical transhumanist daydreams are in the mix too. and what about the outsourcing of self-harm and cutting to medical professionals? You're onto something very important here. keep on.
I just found this article after a random treasure trail on the internet and found it so unbelievably striking I feel I have to comment and commend you. I was born in 1989 and grew up totally romanticising self harm/anorexic/generally tragic self hatred type stuff on the internet (mostly livejournal, in my case). The path it sucked me down was self harm, so I too am left with scars from a period of teenage self hatred that feels so far away from what has come to matter to me today. Seems scary how much appeal this kind of despair holds for young females in particular across at least the past couple of decades- really interesting to hear you talk about the same kind of themes in relation to gender. You are a brilliant writer, thank you for such important insights.
An excellent piece, with parallels I had not previously considered. It does seem odd and random, how different expressions of the same underlying malaise and nihilism underpinning our social pathologies have such different receptions. It is almost impossible to imagine anorexia-positivity colonising the creative and political spheres in the same way that trans-positivity has.
Beautifully written & heartbreaking analysis - it’s truly horrifying how many venues there are to encourage teen girls in acting out their most destructive fantasies. Your piece was difficult to read at points, but thank you for writing it; we need these kinds of critical insights from survivors of this online hellscape. I’ll be following your work with great interest.
"Aestheticized self-hatred, beautiful suffering, a public display of deep unhappiness, set to music."
There is a powerful, almost unceasing message sent to women since birth that if only we'd suffer prettily enough, the world would stop making us suffer. Clearly, this makes no sense -- why would the forces that cause us to suffer choose to STOP making us suffer if we suffer in more and more pleasing ways? Fuck suffering.
I got linked here by someone else and I just want to say, thank you for this. I'm a man who suffered from anorexia in my early teen years, and I've since watched a female family member struggle with gender confusion. I've always felt the two were similar, never been able to articulate it as clearly as you have. This is a hard but necessary read.
I find it so interesting that due to the subject's taboo, you and helena are out here sorting out your own past experiences, laying them bare for the rest of us to see, as you figure out what happened. if this was any other time in modern history, we would have already had a scientific journal, the NYT, or the Atlantic write about this phenomenon. And yet, your experience maps on to so many young people's, it is going to get harder and harder to deny.
This is incredible. Brought me to tears. It has only been in the past few years that I have realized that tumblr’s trans AND pro-ana community was a huge contributing factor to my trans identity, and not what I actually wanted. This felt like reading something someone wrote about my early teen years. Thank you for writing this, definitely makes me feel less alone. Very well written.
Being anorexic and being trans are two completely different things. Trans people live full lives outside of their transness; appreciating big moments in your life is very different from obsessing over your bodily measurements. As someone who has been in trans circles online and offline for a long time, this article is full of misinformation :(
Do you think both can be true, though? Like for some or most it's what you're describing, but what Grace lays out is *also* true. It might be that this conversation gets muddied because there's this sense we should treat all non-normative gender expressions as one valid monolith, when there are an infinite number of possibilities. The challenge might be reconciling how different shades of expression can co-exist and not negate the other.
Being trans has existed since the beginning of time, with even cave carvings depicting trans individuals and notes written by those in the 1700s and 1800s citing their feelings on the matter. Yes, some people's body issues may be confused as gender dysphoria instead of body dysmorphia, but this is no real trans person fault. And those who do get confused 99% of the time don't take any medical steps to transition- causing absolutely zero harm. In fact, less than 2% of those with "top surgery" regret it, and less than 1% of those who have fully transitioned regret it. Just because you were incorrect, doesn't mean you should get to demonize people who were born that way and weren't confused. Being trans has been proven dozens and dozens of times scientifically to be something you cannot control. Which is why gender dysphoria is classed as an uncontrollable illness that causes great distress to trans individuals- which can only be cured or alleviated by transitioning. In the womb, there is a sudden and intense blockage/surge in either testosterone or estrogen, which can, literally, cause the brain to develop as one gender and the body as another. It's usually not realized till puberty because there are no differences in the bodies of prepubescent children so they have no reason to feel dysphoric- but that doesn't undermine the scientific fact that they were born this way. I'm not trans, but I have a close friend who is and the pure hidden grudge and regret you feel is no excuse to undermine other's experiences.
As well, anorexia has also existed since the beginning of time and is proven to have strong genetic links as well as being out of the individuals control. Calling these "internet subcultures" is just incorrect and completely unfactual, which is undebatable, when both have always existed since the beginning of time.
the body as another. It's usually not realized till puberty because there are no differences in the bodies of prepubescent children so they have no reason to feel dysphoric- but that doesn't undermine the scientific fact that they were born this way. I'm not trans, but I have a close friend who is and the pure hidden grudge and regret you feel is no excuse to undermine other's experiences.
As well, anorexia has also existed since the beginning of time and is proven to have strong genetic links as well as being out of the individuals control. Calling these "internet subcultures" is just incorrect and completely unfactual, which is undebatable, when both have always existed since the beginning of time.
I could never understand, and still can't, why gender based obsession with the body was celebrated, but all other forms of body obsession were considered unhealthy, and something that should be stopped. Why is it okay to remove healthy and functioning genitals, but not an arm or a leg? Why is it wrong to change the shape of your body by starving yourself, but totally acceptable to do it with hormones? I know that not all trans people are the same, but the ones I know personally are all obsessed with achieving the perfect "look". They don't just want to be women, they want to be beautiful women.
They want to be women and they want to be beautiful (just like most people). Those are separate feelings. Being transgender is a real condition, and transgender people's health is generally improved when treated medically.
Starving yourself is unhealthy and and a precursor to death. Gender-affirming surgery is neither. Hormone therapy does not harm the body like anorexia does. As for the trans people you know, they might simply be image-obsessed as a response to the mental condition (gender dysphoria).
impressive. the anime waif ideal (male or female--- the heroin chic fashion mag brigade of 15 years ago). the overlap with pro-ana culture, it's all right there but it takes someone to notice it and you did. so much of it comes down to rejection of adulthood...adult bodies, responsibilities, compromises. Body schizophrenia. Puberty blockers as a stop-time machine and anti-time machine. And yeah you can make compelling art out of those ideas. your own body as the canvas is the new thing. the overlap between artistic, avant garde body mod and trans isn't mentioned enough. Radical transhumanist daydreams are in the mix too. and what about the outsourcing of self-harm and cutting to medical professionals? You're onto something very important here. keep on.
I just found this article after a random treasure trail on the internet and found it so unbelievably striking I feel I have to comment and commend you. I was born in 1989 and grew up totally romanticising self harm/anorexic/generally tragic self hatred type stuff on the internet (mostly livejournal, in my case). The path it sucked me down was self harm, so I too am left with scars from a period of teenage self hatred that feels so far away from what has come to matter to me today. Seems scary how much appeal this kind of despair holds for young females in particular across at least the past couple of decades- really interesting to hear you talk about the same kind of themes in relation to gender. You are a brilliant writer, thank you for such important insights.
An excellent piece, with parallels I had not previously considered. It does seem odd and random, how different expressions of the same underlying malaise and nihilism underpinning our social pathologies have such different receptions. It is almost impossible to imagine anorexia-positivity colonising the creative and political spheres in the same way that trans-positivity has.
This is excellent, thank you!!
Beautifully written & heartbreaking analysis - it’s truly horrifying how many venues there are to encourage teen girls in acting out their most destructive fantasies. Your piece was difficult to read at points, but thank you for writing it; we need these kinds of critical insights from survivors of this online hellscape. I’ll be following your work with great interest.
"Aestheticized self-hatred, beautiful suffering, a public display of deep unhappiness, set to music."
There is a powerful, almost unceasing message sent to women since birth that if only we'd suffer prettily enough, the world would stop making us suffer. Clearly, this makes no sense -- why would the forces that cause us to suffer choose to STOP making us suffer if we suffer in more and more pleasing ways? Fuck suffering.
I got linked here by someone else and I just want to say, thank you for this. I'm a man who suffered from anorexia in my early teen years, and I've since watched a female family member struggle with gender confusion. I've always felt the two were similar, never been able to articulate it as clearly as you have. This is a hard but necessary read.
I find it so interesting that due to the subject's taboo, you and helena are out here sorting out your own past experiences, laying them bare for the rest of us to see, as you figure out what happened. if this was any other time in modern history, we would have already had a scientific journal, the NYT, or the Atlantic write about this phenomenon. And yet, your experience maps on to so many young people's, it is going to get harder and harder to deny.
This is incredible. Brought me to tears. It has only been in the past few years that I have realized that tumblr’s trans AND pro-ana community was a huge contributing factor to my trans identity, and not what I actually wanted. This felt like reading something someone wrote about my early teen years. Thank you for writing this, definitely makes me feel less alone. Very well written.
Being anorexic and being trans are two completely different things. Trans people live full lives outside of their transness; appreciating big moments in your life is very different from obsessing over your bodily measurements. As someone who has been in trans circles online and offline for a long time, this article is full of misinformation :(
Anorexics can live full lives outside of their illness too
Do you think both can be true, though? Like for some or most it's what you're describing, but what Grace lays out is *also* true. It might be that this conversation gets muddied because there's this sense we should treat all non-normative gender expressions as one valid monolith, when there are an infinite number of possibilities. The challenge might be reconciling how different shades of expression can co-exist and not negate the other.
List & refute it.
as always, a wonderful read. you write so succinctly and so honestly. thank you for sharing this!
Wonderful writing again and sensitive observations deftly drawn.
Being trans has existed since the beginning of time, with even cave carvings depicting trans individuals and notes written by those in the 1700s and 1800s citing their feelings on the matter. Yes, some people's body issues may be confused as gender dysphoria instead of body dysmorphia, but this is no real trans person fault. And those who do get confused 99% of the time don't take any medical steps to transition- causing absolutely zero harm. In fact, less than 2% of those with "top surgery" regret it, and less than 1% of those who have fully transitioned regret it. Just because you were incorrect, doesn't mean you should get to demonize people who were born that way and weren't confused. Being trans has been proven dozens and dozens of times scientifically to be something you cannot control. Which is why gender dysphoria is classed as an uncontrollable illness that causes great distress to trans individuals- which can only be cured or alleviated by transitioning. In the womb, there is a sudden and intense blockage/surge in either testosterone or estrogen, which can, literally, cause the brain to develop as one gender and the body as another. It's usually not realized till puberty because there are no differences in the bodies of prepubescent children so they have no reason to feel dysphoric- but that doesn't undermine the scientific fact that they were born this way. I'm not trans, but I have a close friend who is and the pure hidden grudge and regret you feel is no excuse to undermine other's experiences.
As well, anorexia has also existed since the beginning of time and is proven to have strong genetic links as well as being out of the individuals control. Calling these "internet subcultures" is just incorrect and completely unfactual, which is undebatable, when both have always existed since the beginning of time.
the body as another. It's usually not realized till puberty because there are no differences in the bodies of prepubescent children so they have no reason to feel dysphoric- but that doesn't undermine the scientific fact that they were born this way. I'm not trans, but I have a close friend who is and the pure hidden grudge and regret you feel is no excuse to undermine other's experiences.
As well, anorexia has also existed since the beginning of time and is proven to have strong genetic links as well as being out of the individuals control. Calling these "internet subcultures" is just incorrect and completely unfactual, which is undebatable, when both have always existed since the beginning of time.
YOU. ARE NOT. EVERYONE. Jesus on a transphobic bike, why do you have to treat trans people so fucking badly, as if they're Greek tragedies?
Thanks! I needed that!
I could never understand, and still can't, why gender based obsession with the body was celebrated, but all other forms of body obsession were considered unhealthy, and something that should be stopped. Why is it okay to remove healthy and functioning genitals, but not an arm or a leg? Why is it wrong to change the shape of your body by starving yourself, but totally acceptable to do it with hormones? I know that not all trans people are the same, but the ones I know personally are all obsessed with achieving the perfect "look". They don't just want to be women, they want to be beautiful women.
"They don't just want to be women, they want to be beautiful women."
They want to be a pornographic man's idea of a woman. Which they believe in. Because they are men.
They want to be women and they want to be beautiful (just like most people). Those are separate feelings. Being transgender is a real condition, and transgender people's health is generally improved when treated medically.
Starving yourself is unhealthy and and a precursor to death. Gender-affirming surgery is neither. Hormone therapy does not harm the body like anorexia does. As for the trans people you know, they might simply be image-obsessed as a response to the mental condition (gender dysphoria).