Thank you for sharing your story so honestly and prayers for a successful recovery. For mamas watching in disbelief as their daughters embark on the mastectomy, you offer a glimmer of hope for the future and nuggets of wisdom about the potential pitfalls that may lie ahead for them. Thank you for all of that as I need it right now 💕
This is so helpful to other detransitioners who are considering surgery. Please don't feel sheepish quoting a poem that originally addressed the situation of women with cancer. You were equally damaged, even if in your case the damage was caused by predatory physicians and therapists rather than cancer; either way. It's amazing that you have kept your sense of humor, and it gives other people hope.
I really appreciate you sharing your story with all its complicated feelings and decisions. I was diagnosed with breast cancer in 2023. When I met with the surgeon she said we think you'd have the same outcome with mastectomy or lumpectomy, so it's up to you. And I thought, well I guess I'll keep my breast then-- despite the fact that I was 59 and well past child bearing. I always thought if I had breast cancer I'd willingly choose mastectomy since my breasts had served their purpose in life, but when I was faced with it, that's not how I felt. The surgery was successful, but that breast is now smaller and differently shaped, and while I am of course incredibly grateful to be through successful treatment, I still feel maimed and disfigured by the whole thing, which I never really expected to feel. I've now talked to many, many women who have gone through it, some with mastectomy, double mastectomy, or lumpectomy, and the gamut of feelings about their choices. Sending you best wishes for recovery and healing.
Wonderful piece! I hope many detransitioners and would-be-transitioners read this post -- you capture so many nuances and do so with wit, humor and kindness to yourself.
Hey just curious if you have any articles on your medical experiences with motherhood and pregnancy? It’s a goal for me and that day is coming sooner everyday. I’m a detrans woman (no surgery, testosterone 5-6 years)
Ooo such a good question thank you!! I am going to try to write more about that. I ultimately ended up having fairly good hospital births but I was certainly way more dubious and worried about it after my medicine experiences with gender lol
The clue is in the previous paragraph where you chastise yourself for daring to return to the scene of the original crime, for which you still blame yourself in being so naive (ie; childishly stupid) that you deserve not to be offered this chance to heal through an eerily similar pathway of seeking help to change your body but instead to be punished mercilessly (hence the invader is you, in a more immature form who caused so much destruction and who you’re afraid has returned to harm the new life you’ve so carefully nurtured but still could be stolen somehow from you, yet who is revealed to be just an innocent child who doesn’t deserve such punishment)
I recall after my own breast cancer diagnosis in my mid 30’s that it took a lot of time to decide to do something about feeling so deformed and I too was afraid to push my luck, that something bad would happen if I pursued a corrective surgery as if I were tempting fate by wanting something that felt not only risky (should I leave well enough alone?) and somehow selfish in a way that I might be punished for it
Long story follows that but all these years and multiple revision surgeries later (not for any serious complications but because the products available simply got better over the last couple decades—I went from horrendous saline, like a baseball on my chest I used to say—to the Cadillac of implants being cohesive gel or gummy bear that is the most soft and least uncomfortable of the three implant types I’ve had fyi) I still live with all the feelings of sadness, loss and mutilation and even some shame—even though I had no reason to think it was my fault it’s still that sense of inadequacy and deformity that is hard to shake plus there’s no fooling anyone when the clothes come off, least of all me
And although I try to overcome that I don’t think I’ll ever sunbathe topless again like I used to (the farthest I’ve gone with that was at a women only hot springs situation and even that was pretty challenging)
But I’m not sorry for trying to do what I could about it and I can wear most of the clothes I want to and look semi normal so there’s that
I hope you’re going to help others to feel entitled that they too deserve to do this type of reconstructive surgery if that’s what might help you feel just a little more ok in your body and to not feel guilty wanting that
As you say, one has to have realistic expectations that nothing will bring back your breasts although I admit I envy you having kept your nipples even though they aren’t completely normal, which may allow you some illusion of normalcy when you look in the mirror or should you choose to sunbathe topless on some rocks one day:)
I felt my own had done no wrong to deserve being thrown in the trash, and survivors like me who weren’t lucky to have the option of nipple sparing mastectomy may joke about our Barbie boobs, but I know it’s not the same sensation or function you will get to enjoy
At least you may not feel you have anything to explain to the casual observer and tell that story only if you feel like it (unless they recognize you from your Substack pfp of course!)
Good for you, I’m happy you indulged your honest desire to pursue what felt right for you, even if it meant taking a risk in rolling the dice again despite your past missteps, and this time, be proud of how far you’ve come ☺️
I agree - such incredible strength, grace and wisdom. I just want to hug her, the extreme ownership is profound when there is a component of parasitic pressure to medically transition for young people. Blame would be understandable - but she's free. Hormone hangover is a light to behold.
Yay for you! I'm praying for zero complications, a restful season of healing, enormous blessings on the family which turn this "inconvenience" and "expense" into invaluable multigenerational connection and lasting memories. Oh, and that the physical results supercede your reasonable expectations! You have been such a blessing here, may the Lord return much more to you. ❤️🩹💞🎉
Thank you for sharing your story so honestly and prayers for a successful recovery. For mamas watching in disbelief as their daughters embark on the mastectomy, you offer a glimmer of hope for the future and nuggets of wisdom about the potential pitfalls that may lie ahead for them. Thank you for all of that as I need it right now 💕
This is so helpful to other detransitioners who are considering surgery. Please don't feel sheepish quoting a poem that originally addressed the situation of women with cancer. You were equally damaged, even if in your case the damage was caused by predatory physicians and therapists rather than cancer; either way. It's amazing that you have kept your sense of humor, and it gives other people hope.
I really appreciate you sharing your story with all its complicated feelings and decisions. I was diagnosed with breast cancer in 2023. When I met with the surgeon she said we think you'd have the same outcome with mastectomy or lumpectomy, so it's up to you. And I thought, well I guess I'll keep my breast then-- despite the fact that I was 59 and well past child bearing. I always thought if I had breast cancer I'd willingly choose mastectomy since my breasts had served their purpose in life, but when I was faced with it, that's not how I felt. The surgery was successful, but that breast is now smaller and differently shaped, and while I am of course incredibly grateful to be through successful treatment, I still feel maimed and disfigured by the whole thing, which I never really expected to feel. I've now talked to many, many women who have gone through it, some with mastectomy, double mastectomy, or lumpectomy, and the gamut of feelings about their choices. Sending you best wishes for recovery and healing.
Wonderful piece! I hope many detransitioners and would-be-transitioners read this post -- you capture so many nuances and do so with wit, humor and kindness to yourself.
I meant "would-be-detransitioners," but I guess my typo works as well...
Grace, you are a wonderful writer: thoughtful, incisive, clear, nuanced, and, if I may, graceful.
Best wishes for your recovery!
Hey just curious if you have any articles on your medical experiences with motherhood and pregnancy? It’s a goal for me and that day is coming sooner everyday. I’m a detrans woman (no surgery, testosterone 5-6 years)
Ooo such a good question thank you!! I am going to try to write more about that. I ultimately ended up having fairly good hospital births but I was certainly way more dubious and worried about it after my medicine experiences with gender lol
Ok I’ll take a crack at your dream
The clue is in the previous paragraph where you chastise yourself for daring to return to the scene of the original crime, for which you still blame yourself in being so naive (ie; childishly stupid) that you deserve not to be offered this chance to heal through an eerily similar pathway of seeking help to change your body but instead to be punished mercilessly (hence the invader is you, in a more immature form who caused so much destruction and who you’re afraid has returned to harm the new life you’ve so carefully nurtured but still could be stolen somehow from you, yet who is revealed to be just an innocent child who doesn’t deserve such punishment)
I recall after my own breast cancer diagnosis in my mid 30’s that it took a lot of time to decide to do something about feeling so deformed and I too was afraid to push my luck, that something bad would happen if I pursued a corrective surgery as if I were tempting fate by wanting something that felt not only risky (should I leave well enough alone?) and somehow selfish in a way that I might be punished for it
Long story follows that but all these years and multiple revision surgeries later (not for any serious complications but because the products available simply got better over the last couple decades—I went from horrendous saline, like a baseball on my chest I used to say—to the Cadillac of implants being cohesive gel or gummy bear that is the most soft and least uncomfortable of the three implant types I’ve had fyi) I still live with all the feelings of sadness, loss and mutilation and even some shame—even though I had no reason to think it was my fault it’s still that sense of inadequacy and deformity that is hard to shake plus there’s no fooling anyone when the clothes come off, least of all me
And although I try to overcome that I don’t think I’ll ever sunbathe topless again like I used to (the farthest I’ve gone with that was at a women only hot springs situation and even that was pretty challenging)
But I’m not sorry for trying to do what I could about it and I can wear most of the clothes I want to and look semi normal so there’s that
I hope you’re going to help others to feel entitled that they too deserve to do this type of reconstructive surgery if that’s what might help you feel just a little more ok in your body and to not feel guilty wanting that
As you say, one has to have realistic expectations that nothing will bring back your breasts although I admit I envy you having kept your nipples even though they aren’t completely normal, which may allow you some illusion of normalcy when you look in the mirror or should you choose to sunbathe topless on some rocks one day:)
I felt my own had done no wrong to deserve being thrown in the trash, and survivors like me who weren’t lucky to have the option of nipple sparing mastectomy may joke about our Barbie boobs, but I know it’s not the same sensation or function you will get to enjoy
At least you may not feel you have anything to explain to the casual observer and tell that story only if you feel like it (unless they recognize you from your Substack pfp of course!)
Good for you, I’m happy you indulged your honest desire to pursue what felt right for you, even if it meant taking a risk in rolling the dice again despite your past missteps, and this time, be proud of how far you’ve come ☺️
I hope lots of other detrans people see this, and others working on detrans health care. xx
Grace, you're really good at this writing thing. Please, keep doing it.
For a fairly dark topic, this was an absolutely delightful and fascinating read. Thank you so much for sharing your experience.
I agree - such incredible strength, grace and wisdom. I just want to hug her, the extreme ownership is profound when there is a component of parasitic pressure to medically transition for young people. Blame would be understandable - but she's free. Hormone hangover is a light to behold.
This is so sweet <3 <3 <3 Thank you
My pleasure! Great work - I am glad to have found it! ♥️
I am so glad you have parents willing to help you through your recovery. I hope it is speedy and uneventful.
Best wishes to you, Grace! Thanks for writing about your experiences.
And oh my heart! Looking up the poet next.
Yay for you! I'm praying for zero complications, a restful season of healing, enormous blessings on the family which turn this "inconvenience" and "expense" into invaluable multigenerational connection and lasting memories. Oh, and that the physical results supercede your reasonable expectations! You have been such a blessing here, may the Lord return much more to you. ❤️🩹💞🎉
I’m happy for you, I hope it does help and you feel good about it.
That's so wonderful your parents were willing to come help you during this time. Prayers for your recovery -- enjoyed your thoughts!!